Baby #2 worries, concerns and mom guilt

So, I have been a little MIA for the past several months and I promise I have a great reason for it! Our family is expecting baby number 2 and morning sickness was kicking my butt. Hard. I mean like kicking it all over town sort of butt kicking. With William (my firstborn) I had very little symptoms. It was awesome. No morning sickness nothing! Well, this time was payback time. I was put on Diclegis which helped a little bit but it didn’t finally go away until 16 weeks. But, lucky it is totally gone now and I am getting back to my regular routine.

Mom Guilt

So we are going to have another baby, now what? Now bring on the mom guilt. I know tons of moms feel this way and it is just hard to deal with the feeling of guilt about sharing your love with another child. How is William going to feel about splitting his momma time with a new little brother? Will he feel abandoned? Will he feel less loved? While I know, or at least hope, that eventually the two of them will be the best of friends I can’t help but worry that both my sons may not feel 100% loved.

Worries

So why am I so worried about having another baby? Well if you have read my post How Brad Paisley changed my life and made me a better mom it will really explain a lot about my first few months as mom and the struggles I went through. William was not an easy baby. He had severe jaundice and was in the NICU followed by several weeks of 24 hour in home light therapy. Had latching problems which resulted in me exclusively pumping which is a lot more work then I understood when my journey started. He had reflux and tongue tie which made him pretty colicky. He never slept for more than 45 minutes at a time for the first several months. Long story short it was a hard, exhausting process that had me questioning if we would even want a second child.

Life happens

For those of you that don’t know I have Multiple Sclerosis and about a year after William was born, I had an episode. After lots of discussions with my medical team and husband, we decided if we wanted to have another child it was now or never because I needed to get back on my meds and stay on them. So not only did we need to start trying to have a child before we were really ready it was also suddenly going to be our last child.

It was a lot to emotionally process. We had a 6-month window to great pregnant and it happened month two. Which obviously is great but also was met with a lot of worries. How on earth could I handle having a newborn on top of my rambunctious toddler? How could I handle having two under two? It took a lot of time to process before I came to the conclusion that I could handle it because I have no choice. That’s how.

There are going to be nights were I survive on zero sleep. Nights where I feel like I am doing everything wrong. Nights where I just need to breakdown and cry. And, that’s ok! This is going to a learning experience for all of us. Someday I will look back on these days and miss them. I already feel like time is going to fast with my son. I feel like he was just born yesterday and now he is running around being the little wild child that I love.

Emotions and thoughts

Last night I was overcome with emotion as I cuddled my son and rocked him before bedtime. Lately he hasn’t been wanting to rock as much and just wanting to play and run around until it’s time to sleep. But, last night he was my little cuddle bug and I realized there will be a last time for the cuddles. A last time for him looking to me when a stranger walks in the room. A last time he would rather cuddle with me and get 45 kisses a second than hang out with his friends. I suddenly wanted to freeze time and never move on.

But, I also know with every last time there will be a first time. The first time he meets his little brother. The first time he rides a bike. The first time he brings home his report card (all A’s obviously). The first time he introduces us to his future wife. The first time I meet my grandchild. So while I am worried and concerned about all the changes coming our way I am also trying to enjoy every second with my son before we become a family of four. I’m focusing on looking to the future with excitement and hope not let the worry spoil the beauty.